What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?
Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.
Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
Friday, December 18, 2009
How To Make Peoples Happy
One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.
Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"
Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"
Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."
Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"
Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"
Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."
Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
An Escaped Prisoner
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Lawyer VS Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the net and even the library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the net and even the library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
How Much Is True Of A Wife
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
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The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
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I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
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"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
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Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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David Bissonette
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Quotes
Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
–H. L. Mencken
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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
–Anonymous
for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
–H. L. Mencken
———————————————————————
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
———————————————————————
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
———————————————————————-
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.
———————————————————————
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
–Anonymous
The 80 Year Old Man About To Be A Father
An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor’s office.
He says to the doctor, “I’ve never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that!!!”
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, “Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he’s in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he’s in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?”
The old man says, “That’s impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”.
“EXACTLY” says the doctor.
He says to the doctor, “I’ve never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that!!!”
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, “Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he’s in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he’s in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?”
The old man says, “That’s impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”.
“EXACTLY” says the doctor.
Mum, Now That I Am 14, Can I Wear A Bra?
“Mum, can I ask you something?”
“Sure! What about?”
“You see, I’m already fourteen and… I think it’s just proper that I should own one.”
“And what is this ‘one’ you’re referring to?”
“Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?”
“No.”
“But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.”
“Nope.”
“It will be just proper at my age…”
“I said no way…!”
“But all of my friends wears…….!”
“David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?”
“Sure! What about?”
“You see, I’m already fourteen and… I think it’s just proper that I should own one.”
“And what is this ‘one’ you’re referring to?”
“Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?”
“No.”
“But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.”
“Nope.”
“It will be just proper at my age…”
“I said no way…!”
“But all of my friends wears…….!”
“David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?”
Be More Careful When Ordering Your Wife’s Birthday Cake
A man wanted to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment and said, “put getting older but you are getting better.”
The salesman asked, “how do you want me to put it?”
The man said, “Well, put ‘You are getting older’ at the top and ‘but you are getting better’ at the bottom.”
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake. It read:
“You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom”
The salesman asked, “how do you want me to put it?”
The man said, “Well, put ‘You are getting older’ at the top and ‘but you are getting better’ at the bottom.”
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake. It read:
“You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom”
How Mary Passed Her Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good” and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But, Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good” and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But, Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.
Three Meals A Day
A young and hot looking lady visited her doctor one morning.
Doc asked her, “You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?
The lady looked surprised and said, “Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!
Doc asked her, “You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?
The lady looked surprised and said, “Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!
How Many Babies
Four expectant fathers were in a hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence! I work for the Twin Star Enterprise!"
Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.
"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the
birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."
"What a coincidence! I work for the Twin Star Enterprise!"
Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.
"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the
birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."
Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Man Walks Into a Lawyer's Office
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.
“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what is your third question?”
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.
“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what is your third question?”
Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing,
the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did
you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said,
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!"
laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of
bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said
the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old
lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring
my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the
confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again
and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with
her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president
and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The
president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants
so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said
the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely
sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter
with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am
today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing,
the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did
you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said,
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!"
laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of
bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said
the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old
lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring
my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the
confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again
and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with
her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president
and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The
president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants
so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said
the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely
sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter
with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am
today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
News report
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on
in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls
would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on
in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls
would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Crazy Math Teacher
The Math teacher notices that Johnny had been daydreaming for most of the class. To get his attention she says, "Johnny, if the world is 25,000 miles around, and a dozen eggs are 90 cents, how old am I?
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered without hesitation.
The teacher who is all amazed, replies "Well, that's correct. "Tell me, uh . . . how did you figure that out?"
Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half as crazy as you."
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered without hesitation.
The teacher who is all amazed, replies "Well, that's correct. "Tell me, uh . . . how did you figure that out?"
Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half as crazy as you."
How Many Rabbits?
The math teacher asks Johnny a question, "Johnny, if I gave you two rabbits and then two more rabbits and then two more rabbits, how many would you have?"
Johnny replied, "Seven rabbits, Teacher."
The teacher asked again, "Listen Johnny, If I gave you two rabbits, plus two more rabbits, plus two more rabbits... How many rabbits would you have altogether?"
Johnny smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven."
"Ok Johnny," the teacher said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two candy bars, plus two more candy bars, plus two more candy bars, how many candy bars would you have?"
"Six candy bars," Johnny says.
"OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with this question. "If I gave you two rabbits, then two more rabbits, then two more rabbits how many would you have?"
"Seven, Teacher." Johnny said.
How can you have seven?" the teacher asked, finally exasperated.
"Because I already have one rabbit at home!"
Johnny replied, "Seven rabbits, Teacher."
The teacher asked again, "Listen Johnny, If I gave you two rabbits, plus two more rabbits, plus two more rabbits... How many rabbits would you have altogether?"
Johnny smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven."
"Ok Johnny," the teacher said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two candy bars, plus two more candy bars, plus two more candy bars, how many candy bars would you have?"
"Six candy bars," Johnny says.
"OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with this question. "If I gave you two rabbits, then two more rabbits, then two more rabbits how many would you have?"
"Seven, Teacher." Johnny said.
How can you have seven?" the teacher asked, finally exasperated.
"Because I already have one rabbit at home!"
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Organizational Chart
When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football...
When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis...
When Top Management gets together, they talk about golf...
Logical Conclusion:
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis...
When Top Management gets together, they talk about golf...
Logical Conclusion:
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
Is Your Boss Your Friend?
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their project manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
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Monday, December 14, 2009
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'. The wife apologised and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'.
'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'. The wife apologised and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'.
Deaf Wife ? Or Deaf Husband?
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Wife replied, "For the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!"
The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Wife replied, "For the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!"
Husband's Friend
Woman in bed with husband's best friend,
phone rings!
Wife: 'YES'.. OK, BYE'.
She turns to her lover and says,
THAT'S MY HUBBY, HE SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.
phone rings!
Wife: 'YES'.. OK, BYE'.
She turns to her lover and says,
THAT'S MY HUBBY, HE SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.
10 Marriage Commandments
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand. Divorce is at least a 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand. Divorce is at least a 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Math
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Smart old woman
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding....
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one? "
Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: "I see.......Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "
Older Woman: "I can't do that. "
Officer: "Why not? "
Older Woman: "I stole this car. "
Officer: "Stole it? "
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what? "
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? "
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, of course, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one? "
Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: "I see.......Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "
Older Woman: "I can't do that. "
Officer: "Why not? "
Older Woman: "I stole this car. "
Officer: "Stole it? "
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what? "
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? "
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, of course, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
20 Years
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have been released today!"
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have been released today!"
Dreams
After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled...
"The Meaning of Dreams"
"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled...
"The Meaning of Dreams"
Parking place
A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The Man looked up again and said,
"Never Mind. I found one."
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The Man looked up again and said,
"Never Mind. I found one."
Chinese Detective
A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
No fee,
Cheng Lee
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
No fee,
Cheng Lee
Cars in Heaven
Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.
He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.
He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
Wrong Delivery
A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion.
However when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest In Peace".
The owner was a little peeved, and he called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir I`m really sorry for the mistake."
Then the florist added, "But rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying — 'Congratulations On Your New Location'."
However when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest In Peace".
The owner was a little peeved, and he called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir I`m really sorry for the mistake."
Then the florist added, "But rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying — 'Congratulations On Your New Location'."
Would You Remarry?
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: What!!????
HUSBAND: Shit!!!
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: What!!????
HUSBAND: Shit!!!
Sex Code
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code"
to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting
their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go
tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right
now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter,
"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the
letter by hand."
to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting
their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go
tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right
now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter,
"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the
letter by hand."
"Gan Bei"
A Chinese man and an English man were dining in a restaurant.
The Chinese man lifted his glass up and made a toast to the English man, “Gan Bei” (Cheers).
The English man was confused but he continued eating.
This happened a few times and whenever the Chinese man wanted to drink he would always say “Gan Bei”
The English man only nodded and silently continued to drink and eat.
Not long after, the Chinese man once again said, “Gan Bei” whilst lifting up his glass.
This time, the English man put down his cutlery and angrily said to the Chinese man,
"It’s all right if you CAN’T PAY!” I'll pay! So just shut up”.
The Chinese man lifted his glass up and made a toast to the English man, “Gan Bei” (Cheers).
The English man was confused but he continued eating.
This happened a few times and whenever the Chinese man wanted to drink he would always say “Gan Bei”
The English man only nodded and silently continued to drink and eat.
Not long after, the Chinese man once again said, “Gan Bei” whilst lifting up his glass.
This time, the English man put down his cutlery and angrily said to the Chinese man,
"It’s all right if you CAN’T PAY!” I'll pay! So just shut up”.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
A Wise Camel
A mother and a baby camel were lazing around, and suddenly the baby camel ask:
Baby: Mother, mother, may i ask you some questions?
Mother: Sure ! Why son, is there something bothering you?
Baby: Why do camels have humps?
Mother: Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water
Baby: Okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded?
Mother: Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert, you know with these legs i can move around the desert better than anyone does! Said the mother proudly
Baby: Okay, then why are our eyelashes long? Sometimes it bothers my sight
Mother: My son, those long thick eyelashes are for protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind. Said mother camel with eyes rimming with pride
Baby: I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert and these eyelashes protect my eyes from the desert. THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE IN THE ZOO !!???
Moral of the Story:
Skills, knowledge, abilities and experiences are only useful if you are at the right place.
Baby: Mother, mother, may i ask you some questions?
Mother: Sure ! Why son, is there something bothering you?
Baby: Why do camels have humps?
Mother: Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water and we are known to survive without water
Baby: Okay, then why are our legs long and our feet rounded?
Mother: Son, obviously they are meant for walking in the desert, you know with these legs i can move around the desert better than anyone does! Said the mother proudly
Baby: Okay, then why are our eyelashes long? Sometimes it bothers my sight
Mother: My son, those long thick eyelashes are for protective cover. They help to protect your eyes from the desert sand and wind. Said mother camel with eyes rimming with pride
Baby: I see. So the hump is to store water when we are in the desert, the legs are for walking through the desert and these eyelashes protect my eyes from the desert. THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE IN THE ZOO !!???
Moral of the Story:
Skills, knowledge, abilities and experiences are only useful if you are at the right place.
Report Card
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Seat
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
21st Century
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less
E-Mail Address
A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.
"You are employed."
He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
"You are employed."
He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."
The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."
I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US . He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.
He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
Grass Eater
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
My Son is my Pride and Joy
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth friend returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth friend returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Mother & Daughter
A mother thinks that it is the right to talk about sex to her teenage daughter
Mother: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
The mother fainted.
Mother: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
The mother fainted.
Friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends"
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends"
Lost Wives
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
Dictionary
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be
done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accident falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by god.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be
done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accident falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by god.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
The differences between girls at the age of 8,18,28,38,48,58,68
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take
her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take
her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story
Confusing Names
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Question & Answer
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
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Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
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Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.
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Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
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Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.
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Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. "Your tail is in front".
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A: Both keep searching for new holes.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. "Your tail is in front".
--------------------------------------------------------------
The Story of Ah Sing
A Singh who is a sailor? karpal singh
A Singh who attends a chinese wedding party? Yam Singh
A Singh who is digging a hole? Menggali Singh
A Singh who likes to slap ppl? Tau Ba Singh
A Singh who is a gangster? Samsingh
A Singh who is lost? MissSingh
A Singh who is noisy? BissSingh
A Singh who likes herbs? GinSingh
A Singh who kills ppl? AssasSingh
A Singh with 1 ball? BalwantSingh (ball one singh)
A Singh with 2 balls? BalanSingh(balancing)
A Singh with 3 balls? AMAZING!!!
A Singh who is swimming in an iced pool? KuldipSingh (cool deep singh)
A Singh who is sacked from a national football team? Relax Singh
A Singh who likes to drink soya bean milk? YeoHupSingh
A Singh who owns a ship that sank? No lah, not Titanic Singh. Is Karam Singh
A Singh who is a lousy singh? Owtar Singh
A Singh who likes roundabout? PuSingh
A Singh who is flying over with a broom? Sou Pah Singh
A Singh who is a three star general? Sam Lap Singh
If the Sikhs were to succeed in forming their own contry, what will they call their currency? Mata Wang Ah Singh
Then, what do you call a Singh who likes to scold ppl? T** Nia Singh
A Singh who attends a chinese wedding party? Yam Singh
A Singh who is digging a hole? Menggali Singh
A Singh who likes to slap ppl? Tau Ba Singh
A Singh who is a gangster? Samsingh
A Singh who is lost? MissSingh
A Singh who is noisy? BissSingh
A Singh who likes herbs? GinSingh
A Singh who kills ppl? AssasSingh
A Singh with 1 ball? BalwantSingh (ball one singh)
A Singh with 2 balls? BalanSingh(balancing)
A Singh with 3 balls? AMAZING!!!
A Singh who is swimming in an iced pool? KuldipSingh (cool deep singh)
A Singh who is sacked from a national football team? Relax Singh
A Singh who likes to drink soya bean milk? YeoHupSingh
A Singh who owns a ship that sank? No lah, not Titanic Singh. Is Karam Singh
A Singh who is a lousy singh? Owtar Singh
A Singh who likes roundabout? PuSingh
A Singh who is flying over with a broom? Sou Pah Singh
A Singh who is a three star general? Sam Lap Singh
If the Sikhs were to succeed in forming their own contry, what will they call their currency? Mata Wang Ah Singh
Then, what do you call a Singh who likes to scold ppl? T** Nia Singh
Waiter's Jokes
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
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Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
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Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
-------------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
-------------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
-------------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
-------------------------------------------------
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
-------------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
-------------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
-------------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
-------------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
-------------------------------------------------
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
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Train
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Made in Japan
A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Jap was getting impatient.
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport .
A Toyota Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ...look ...Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan!
Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. !
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made
in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport,the Jap is about to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge ! !
Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....
very fast!.... Made in Japan!
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport .
A Toyota Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ...look ...Toyota!! ...very fast!!!.... made in Japan!
Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom. !
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....made
in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport,the Jap is about to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh... very expensive..... you overcharge ! !
Driver: Noooo .... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....
very fast!.... Made in Japan!
Why British think 80% of M'sians coming to UK to study law?
UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?
Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.
Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.
Visitor: Why do you say that?
Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.
Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.
Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.
*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*
Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?
Ah Chong: Study lorr...
Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.
Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia.
Visitor: Why do you say that?
Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.
Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to believe in fact.
Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.
*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to immigration counter*
Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?
Ah Chong: Study lorr...
Marriage Life Before and After
Before marriage.
Darling here.. darling there...
After marriage.
Baling here... baling there..
Before marriage.
I die for you. . .
After marriage.
"You die, up to you. "
Lagi lama married.
You die I help you!
Before marriage.
You go anywhere. . I follow you.
After marriage. .
You go anywhere. . up to you .
Lagi lama married.
You go anywhere better get lost!!
Before wedding
you are my heart, you are my love"
After wedding
"you get on my nerves. "
Before wedding
"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella"
After wedding
"you are worse than godzila"
Before wedding
Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
After wedding
Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you
Before wedding
Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
After wedding
You want to go, he says you wait-la
Before wedding
She looks like Anita Sarawak
After wedding
Don't know whether katak or biawak
Darling here.. darling there...
After marriage.
Baling here... baling there..
Before marriage.
I die for you. . .
After marriage.
"You die, up to you. "
Lagi lama married.
You die I help you!
Before marriage.
You go anywhere. . I follow you.
After marriage. .
You go anywhere. . up to you .
Lagi lama married.
You go anywhere better get lost!!
Before wedding
you are my heart, you are my love"
After wedding
"you get on my nerves. "
Before wedding
"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella"
After wedding
"you are worse than godzila"
Before wedding
Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
After wedding
Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you
Before wedding
Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
After wedding
You want to go, he says you wait-la
Before wedding
She looks like Anita Sarawak
After wedding
Don't know whether katak or biawak
The Giving Tree
Once there was a tree and she loved a little boy. And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play king of the forest. He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples. And they would play hide-and-go-seek. And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade. And the boy loved the tree very much. And the tree was happy.
But time went by. And the boy grew older. And the tree was often alone. Then one day the boy came to the tree and the tree said, "Come, Boy, come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and eat apples and play in my shade and be happy."
"I am too big to climb and play," said the boy. "I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money. Can you give me some money?"
"I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I have no money, I have only leaves and apples. Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in the city. Then you will have money and you will be happy." And so the boy climbed up the tree and gathered her apples and carried them away. And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time and the tree was sad. And then one day the boy came back and the tree shook with joy and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and be happy."
"I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy. "I want a house to keep me warm. I want a wife and I want children, and so I need a house. Can you give me a house?"
"I have no house," said the tree. "The forest is my house, but you may cut off my branches and build a house. Then you will be happy." And the boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house. And the tree was happy.
But the boy stayed away for a long time. And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak. "Come, Boy," she whispered, "Come and play."
“I am too old and sad to play," said the boy. "I want a boat that can take me far away from here. Can you give me a boat?"
"Cut down my trunk and make a boat," said the tree. "Then you can sail away and be happy." And so the boy cut down her trunk and made a boat and sailed away. And the tree was happy but not really. And after a long time the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy," said the tree, "but I have nothing left to give you. My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone," said the tree. "You cannot swing on them.”
"I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone," said the tree. "You cannot climb."
"I am too tired to climb," said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree. "I wish that I could give you something but I have nothing left. I am just an old stump."
"I don't need very much now," said the boy. "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, "Well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest." And the boy did. And the tree was happy.
The Giving Tree
by Shel Silverstein, first published in 1964
Moral of the story:
Unconditional love that a young boy receives from a tree. As the boy grows up, his life changes and the favors that he asks of the tree increase. When the boy becomes a grown man, he finally realizes how much the tree has sacrificed for him. This is the very same unconditional love that we receive from our mothers.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Carpark
A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?
The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.
The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?
The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'
Importance Of Period
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.
Difference Between Stress, Tension and Panic
Three Feelings:
What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
Customer's Complaint
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, "all these kids are yours"?
The man replied, "No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints"
The man replied, "No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints"
Wife
Husband asks , “Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
“Without Information Fighting Everytime”
Wife replies,” No, It means ,
“With Idiot For Ever !!!
“Without Information Fighting Everytime”
Wife replies,” No, It means ,
“With Idiot For Ever !!!
Saturday, June 7, 2008
From Billionaire to Millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? ”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her? ”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her? ”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
Don't Step On A Duck!
Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway.
unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and
gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.
Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led
very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule:
DON"T STEP ON THE DUCKS."
confused, they all ask "um...what?"
St. Peter says "if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start
quacking, and...well...you'll see."
With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is
covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.
a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single
duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours
later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the
lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.
Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but
sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.
she gets the same punishment as the first lady.
The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an
angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.
Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I
do to deserve this?"
And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and
gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler.
Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led
very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule:
DON"T STEP ON THE DUCKS."
confused, they all ask "um...what?"
St. Peter says "if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start
quacking, and...well...you'll see."
With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is
covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.
a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single
duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours
later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a very ugly man and chains him to the
lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping.
Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but
sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.
she gets the same punishment as the first lady.
The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an
angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her.
Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I
do to deserve this?"
And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Name That Animal, Kids
A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.
I'm The Boss
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
Stop being late to work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went
to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours.
He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went
to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours.
He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
The boss tells some jokes
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen
to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving this Friday."
to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving this Friday."
Stress Reliever
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this one?”
New Seat Belt
An extensive testing has been done on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below.......
This is very Important and MAY SAVE A LIFE!
3 x 2 and 2 x 3
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an 'F' in mathematic.
Father: Why?
Johnny: The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: But that's right!
Johnny: Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'
Father: What's the fucking difference?
Johnny: That's exactly what I said!
Father: Why?
Johnny: The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: But that's right!
Johnny: Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'
Father: What's the fucking difference?
Johnny: That's exactly what I said!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sleeping Problem
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Try To Pronounce The Place Name
Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungah
oronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu
- Name for a Hill in New Zealand
- Meaning: The summit where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, the climber of mountains, the land-swallower who travelled about, played his nose flute to his loved one
How To Make A Woman Happy
TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY....A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14.. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO :
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO :
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT :
53. Never forget her :
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: Leave him alone
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14.. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO :
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO :
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT :
53. Never forget her :
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: Leave him alone
Santa Claus
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,
"SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
"send me a brother"
Santa wrote back,
"SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
Son Of A Bitch??
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus Five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus Six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked.
Yes, he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say Two plus Two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
He said to himself, "Two plus Five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus Six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked.
Yes, he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say Two plus Two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Difference Between Confident and Confidential
Raju : Papa, what is the difference between confident and confidential?
Samy: You are my son Raju I am confident. Your neighbour friend Rama also my son, that is confidential.
Samy: You are my son Raju I am confident. Your neighbour friend Rama also my son, that is confidential.
Too Good To Be True
David bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
Money Saving Idea
A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by it's employees.
First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25
First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25
Won Lottery
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Fail In Exam
Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."
Male or Female?
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Communication Problem
There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.......... so what did she do?
??
??
??
??
??
??
??
What are you thinking?
??
??
??
??
??
??
??
HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.......... so what did she do?
??
??
??
??
??
??
??
What are you thinking?
??
??
??
??
??
??
??
HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!
Copycat
Teacher : Simon, your essay on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, is because it’s the same dog!
Simon : No, teacher, is because it’s the same dog!
Monday, May 26, 2008
Wheel of Confusion
Which way is the wheel turning!?
Focus on the red dots and follow them round... it appears to be rotating anti-clockwise.
However, if you follow the yellow dots round instead, the whole wheel will be turning the other way! - clockwise!
Vanishing Fluff
Stare at the black dot for a minute (the longer the better), and watch the colored 'fluff' disappear!
Wife Needs Help
Carlson goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Carlson" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!"
"We're short-handed, Carlson" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!"
Do you know who you're talking to?
A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"
The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
"No.", replied the Managing Director.
"Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone!
The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No", replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"
The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"
"No.", replied the Managing Director.
"Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Toothbrush Dropped In Toilet
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”
Email From Heaven?
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile…..somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile…..somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: 16 May 2002
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
How I Got My Promotion
People who do lots of work… make lots of mistakes
People who do less work… make less mistakes
People who do no work… make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes… gets promoted
That’s why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work I need a promotion.
People who do less work… make less mistakes
People who do no work… make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes… gets promoted
That’s why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work I need a promotion.
Is Malaysian English Superior?
Who says our English is teruk (terrible). Just see below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-point, effective etc.The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions. Compare these phrases that Malaysians and Britons use to say the same thing: So, why make things so confusing and waste of money when you are and a long distance call. Make it snappy.
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I’m sorry, Sir, but we don’t seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who call?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I’d like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kews
WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-need, lah.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (while pointing at door) Can or not?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don’t be shy, lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don’t recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I’d prefer not to do that, if you don’t mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan!
IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you’re coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I’m trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah!
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what see?
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!
WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Why like that???? (jumping to conclusion)
WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I’m sorry, Sir, but we don’t seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.
RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who call?
ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I’d like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kews
WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-need, lah.
WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (while pointing at door) Can or not?
WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don’t be shy, lah!
WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don’t recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?
WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I’d prefer not to do that, if you don’t mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan!
IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you’re coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I’m trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah!
WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what see?
WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!
WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Why like that???? (jumping to conclusion)
How Old Is Your Father?
Man : How old is your father ?
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
New Office
A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?"
The man said, "I've come to install the phone."
The man said, "I've come to install the phone."
The Wedding
A mother and her child were at a wedding.
A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Serious Problem
Patient: Doctor! I have a serious problem,
I can never remember what i just said.
Doctor: When did you first notice this problem?
Patient: What problem?
I can never remember what i just said.
Doctor: When did you first notice this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Computer Error
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over.
Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over.
Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"
He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
What is an Idiot
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
What is Lie
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Finger
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Tips For Success
Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.
People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
* * *
Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
* * *
Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.
To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
* * *
Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail.
If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.
Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full". A sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
* * *
Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
* * *
Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.
To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
* * *
Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail.
If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.
Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full". A sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
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