What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?
Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.
Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
Friday, December 18, 2009
How To Make Peoples Happy
One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France.
Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"
Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"
Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."
Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!"
Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!"
Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy."
Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
An Escaped Prisoner
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Lawyer VS Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the net and even the library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the net and even the library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
How Much Is True Of A Wife
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
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After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
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Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
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The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
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I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
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"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
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Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
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Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
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First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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David Bissonette
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Quotes
Men have a better time than women;
for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
–H. L. Mencken
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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.
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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
–Anonymous
for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
–H. L. Mencken
———————————————————————
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
———————————————————————
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
———————————————————————-
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
either the car is new or the wife.
———————————————————————
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.
–Anonymous
The 80 Year Old Man About To Be A Father
An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor’s office.
He says to the doctor, “I’ve never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that!!!”
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, “Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he’s in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he’s in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?”
The old man says, “That’s impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”.
“EXACTLY” says the doctor.
He says to the doctor, “I’ve never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that!!!”
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, “Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he’s in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he’s in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?”
The old man says, “That’s impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”.
“EXACTLY” says the doctor.
Mum, Now That I Am 14, Can I Wear A Bra?
“Mum, can I ask you something?”
“Sure! What about?”
“You see, I’m already fourteen and… I think it’s just proper that I should own one.”
“And what is this ‘one’ you’re referring to?”
“Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?”
“No.”
“But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.”
“Nope.”
“It will be just proper at my age…”
“I said no way…!”
“But all of my friends wears…….!”
“David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?”
“Sure! What about?”
“You see, I’m already fourteen and… I think it’s just proper that I should own one.”
“And what is this ‘one’ you’re referring to?”
“Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?”
“No.”
“But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.”
“Nope.”
“It will be just proper at my age…”
“I said no way…!”
“But all of my friends wears…….!”
“David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?”
Be More Careful When Ordering Your Wife’s Birthday Cake
A man wanted to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment and said, “put getting older but you are getting better.”
The salesman asked, “how do you want me to put it?”
The man said, “Well, put ‘You are getting older’ at the top and ‘but you are getting better’ at the bottom.”
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake. It read:
“You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom”
The salesman asked, “how do you want me to put it?”
The man said, “Well, put ‘You are getting older’ at the top and ‘but you are getting better’ at the bottom.”
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake. It read:
“You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom”
How Mary Passed Her Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good” and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But, Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good” and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But, Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin.This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.
Three Meals A Day
A young and hot looking lady visited her doctor one morning.
Doc asked her, “You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?
The lady looked surprised and said, “Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!
Doc asked her, “You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?
The lady looked surprised and said, “Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!
How Many Babies
Four expectant fathers were in a hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence! I work for the Twin Star Enterprise!"
Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.
"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the
birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."
"What a coincidence! I work for the Twin Star Enterprise!"
Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.
"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the
birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."
Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Man Walks Into a Lawyer's Office
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.
“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what is your third question?”
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.
“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what is your third question?”
Little Old Lady Knows How to Gamble
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing,
the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did
you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said,
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!"
laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of
bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said
the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old
lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring
my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the
confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again
and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with
her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president
and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The
president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants
so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said
the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely
sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter
with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am
today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing,
the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did
you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said,
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!"
laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of
bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said
the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old
lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring
my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the
confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again
and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with
her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president
and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The
president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants
so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said
the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely
sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head
against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter
with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am
today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
News report
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on
in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls
would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on
in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls
would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Crazy Math Teacher
The Math teacher notices that Johnny had been daydreaming for most of the class. To get his attention she says, "Johnny, if the world is 25,000 miles around, and a dozen eggs are 90 cents, how old am I?
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered without hesitation.
The teacher who is all amazed, replies "Well, that's correct. "Tell me, uh . . . how did you figure that out?"
Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half as crazy as you."
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered without hesitation.
The teacher who is all amazed, replies "Well, that's correct. "Tell me, uh . . . how did you figure that out?"
Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half as crazy as you."
How Many Rabbits?
The math teacher asks Johnny a question, "Johnny, if I gave you two rabbits and then two more rabbits and then two more rabbits, how many would you have?"
Johnny replied, "Seven rabbits, Teacher."
The teacher asked again, "Listen Johnny, If I gave you two rabbits, plus two more rabbits, plus two more rabbits... How many rabbits would you have altogether?"
Johnny smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven."
"Ok Johnny," the teacher said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two candy bars, plus two more candy bars, plus two more candy bars, how many candy bars would you have?"
"Six candy bars," Johnny says.
"OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with this question. "If I gave you two rabbits, then two more rabbits, then two more rabbits how many would you have?"
"Seven, Teacher." Johnny said.
How can you have seven?" the teacher asked, finally exasperated.
"Because I already have one rabbit at home!"
Johnny replied, "Seven rabbits, Teacher."
The teacher asked again, "Listen Johnny, If I gave you two rabbits, plus two more rabbits, plus two more rabbits... How many rabbits would you have altogether?"
Johnny smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven."
"Ok Johnny," the teacher said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two candy bars, plus two more candy bars, plus two more candy bars, how many candy bars would you have?"
"Six candy bars," Johnny says.
"OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with this question. "If I gave you two rabbits, then two more rabbits, then two more rabbits how many would you have?"
"Seven, Teacher." Johnny said.
How can you have seven?" the teacher asked, finally exasperated.
"Because I already have one rabbit at home!"
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Organizational Chart
When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football...
When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis...
When Top Management gets together, they talk about golf...
Logical Conclusion:
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis...
When Top Management gets together, they talk about golf...
Logical Conclusion:
The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
Is Your Boss Your Friend?
A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their project manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I’d like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."
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Monday, December 14, 2009
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'. The wife apologised and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'.
'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'. The wife apologised and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'.
Deaf Wife ? Or Deaf Husband?
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Wife replied, "For the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!"
The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Wife replied, "For the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!"
Husband's Friend
Woman in bed with husband's best friend,
phone rings!
Wife: 'YES'.. OK, BYE'.
She turns to her lover and says,
THAT'S MY HUBBY, HE SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.
phone rings!
Wife: 'YES'.. OK, BYE'.
She turns to her lover and says,
THAT'S MY HUBBY, HE SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU.
10 Marriage Commandments
Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand. Divorce is at least a 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3
Marriage is grand. Divorce is at least a 100 grand!
Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.
Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Math
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Smart old woman
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding....
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one? "
Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: "I see.......Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "
Older Woman: "I can't do that. "
Officer: "Why not? "
Older Woman: "I stole this car. "
Officer: "Stole it? "
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what? "
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? "
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, of course, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one? "
Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "
Officer: "I see.......Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "
Older Woman: "I can't do that. "
Officer: "Why not? "
Older Woman: "I stole this car. "
Officer: "Stole it? "
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what? "
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? "
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, of course, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
20 Years
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have been released today!"
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the garden?"
"Yes! I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he showed the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
"I would have been released today!"
Dreams
After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled...
"The Meaning of Dreams"
"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled...
"The Meaning of Dreams"
Parking place
A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The Man looked up again and said,
"Never Mind. I found one."
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The Man looked up again and said,
"Never Mind. I found one."
Chinese Detective
A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
No fee,
Cheng Lee
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.
No fee,
Cheng Lee
Cars in Heaven
Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.
He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
"What's the matter?" the other two men asked.
He replied, "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
Wrong Delivery
A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion.
However when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest In Peace".
The owner was a little peeved, and he called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir I`m really sorry for the mistake."
Then the florist added, "But rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying — 'Congratulations On Your New Location'."
However when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest In Peace".
The owner was a little peeved, and he called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir I`m really sorry for the mistake."
Then the florist added, "But rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying — 'Congratulations On Your New Location'."
Would You Remarry?
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: What!!????
HUSBAND: Shit!!!
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: What!!????
HUSBAND: Shit!!!
Sex Code
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code"
to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting
their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go
tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right
now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter,
"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the
letter by hand."
to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting
their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go
tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom
responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right
now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter,
"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced,
"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the
letter by hand."
"Gan Bei"
A Chinese man and an English man were dining in a restaurant.
The Chinese man lifted his glass up and made a toast to the English man, “Gan Bei” (Cheers).
The English man was confused but he continued eating.
This happened a few times and whenever the Chinese man wanted to drink he would always say “Gan Bei”
The English man only nodded and silently continued to drink and eat.
Not long after, the Chinese man once again said, “Gan Bei” whilst lifting up his glass.
This time, the English man put down his cutlery and angrily said to the Chinese man,
"It’s all right if you CAN’T PAY!” I'll pay! So just shut up”.
The Chinese man lifted his glass up and made a toast to the English man, “Gan Bei” (Cheers).
The English man was confused but he continued eating.
This happened a few times and whenever the Chinese man wanted to drink he would always say “Gan Bei”
The English man only nodded and silently continued to drink and eat.
Not long after, the Chinese man once again said, “Gan Bei” whilst lifting up his glass.
This time, the English man put down his cutlery and angrily said to the Chinese man,
"It’s all right if you CAN’T PAY!” I'll pay! So just shut up”.
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