Sleeping Problem

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Try To Pronounce The Place Name

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungah
oronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu


 - Name for a Hill in New Zealand
 - Meaning: The summit where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, the climber of mountains, the land-swallower who travelled about, played his nose flute to his loved one

How To Make A Woman Happy

TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY....A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14.. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO :

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls


AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO :

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT :

53. Never forget her :
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: Leave him alone

Santa Claus

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus,
"send me a brother"

Santa wrote back,
"SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

Son Of A Bitch??

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus Five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus Six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked.

Yes, he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say Two plus Two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Difference Between Confident and Confidential

Raju : Papa, what is the difference between confident and confidential?

Samy: You are my son Raju I am confident. Your neighbour friend Rama also my son, that is confidential.

Too Good To Be True

David bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."

The next day someone stole it.

Money Saving Idea

A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by it's employees.

First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25

Won Lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Fail In Exam

Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

Male or Female?

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Communication Problem

There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.......... so what did she do?

??

??

??

??

??

??

??

What are you thinking?

??

??

??

??

??

??

??

HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!

Copycat

Teacher : Simon, your essay on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did u copy his?

Simon : No, teacher, is because it’s the same dog!

Wheel of Confusion

Which way is the wheel turning!?

Focus on the red dots and follow them round... it appears to be rotating anti-clockwise.

However, if you follow the yellow dots round instead, the whole wheel will be turning the other way! - clockwise!

Vanishing Fluff

Stare at the black dot for a minute (the longer the better), and watch the colored 'fluff' disappear!

Meeting

Are You Busy?

Wife Needs Help

Carlson goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Carlson" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!"

Do you know who you're talking to?

A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No", replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No.", replied the Managing Director.

"Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone!

Toothbrush Dropped In Toilet

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”

Email From Heaven?

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile…..somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: 16 May 2002

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

How I Got My Promotion

People who do lots of work… make lots of mistakes

People who do less work… make less mistakes

People who do no work… make no mistakes

People who make no mistakes… gets promoted

That’s why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work I need a promotion.

Is Malaysian English Superior?

Who says our English is teruk (terrible). Just see below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-point, effective etc.The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when communicating their intentions. Compare these phrases that Malaysians and Britons use to say the same thing: So, why make things so confusing and waste of money when you are and a long distance call. Make it snappy.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I’m sorry, Sir, but we don’t seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who call?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I’d like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kews

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians: No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (while pointing at door) Can or not?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don’t be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don’t recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I’d prefer not to do that, if you don’t mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan!

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you’re coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I’m trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what see?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Why like that???? (jumping to conclusion)

How Old Is Your Father?

Man : How old is your father ?

Boy : As old as me

Man : How can that be?

Boy : He became a father only when I was born

New Office

A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?"

The man said, "I've come to install the phone."

The Wedding

A mother and her child were at a wedding.

A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

Serious Problem

Patient: Doctor! I have a serious problem,
I can never remember what i just said.

Doctor: When did you first notice this problem?

Patient: What problem?

Computer Error

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over.
Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him,
"So, what was wrong?"

He replied,
"It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error?

What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned....
"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "
and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

What is an Idiot

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

What is Lie

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Finger

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."

The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"

The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."

The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

Football

Days In Office

Tips For Success

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.

People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

* * *

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

* * *

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.

To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

* * *

Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail.

If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.

Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full". A sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

Differences Between Worker and Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Windows Vista

6 Beers

Men Are Hard To Please

The problems with GUYS:

>If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
>If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.

>If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
>If u Don't, he says u are from KAMPUNG.

>If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
>If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.

>If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
>If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.

>If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
>If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)

>If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
>If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.

>If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
>If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.

>If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
>If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.

>If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
>If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.

>If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
>If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMEN.

>If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
>If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.

>If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
>If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!

>If u send this to guys, they will swear that it's not true.......
>but if u don't they say u are selfish.....